I feel horrible....

Wow, I feel downright down and depressed today. Well, actually I've felt this way ever since last night.
Last night, I've created a brand new record for myself. I actually quarrelled with my housemate- and I mean really quarrelled. You see, I was too tired and overslept until about 8 in the evening. And when I woke up, I was such in a daze. She came back much later than usual and nope, as I was sleeping, no rice ready yet. Anyways that's not the point. As it was late, after Aida, Jenny and gang left, I was in no mood to eat. Just wanted to settle down and study. So I playfully told her that no it's ok, I don't really feel like eating much, I'm on a diet. And I think she took it the wrong way and was rather offended and suddenly said ' I don't know how much you want to eat.' while putting down the scooping spoon. I suddenly felt upset as well, and retorted back 'Don't you know what I mean when I say just a bit of rice?'
Meh. Anyways, it's all over and done with now. She's such a wonderful housemate and I don't know how I would cope without her around. I can't believe how bad I can treat such a good housemate. *knocks head repeatedly* Time and time again I tell myself to never let my temper get the better of me especially when I am stressed, but always to no avail. Why can't I control my stress and temper better? And everytime after that, I would feel really bad and upset and apologize repeatedly. What is the use if it has already happened?
I wish I can be a better person. Other people who are younger than me are so much better at coping with stress and anger than me.
And as I have said in an earlier blog and in my Friendster profile, I have serious issues regarding my self-esteem. Always had issues with this aspect of myself ever since Lower Secondary School. Was never popular in class- I was the class nerd ok- was the only child, never bothered to socialize with classmates as I was much more concerned about my grades and pleasing my mum then. Also the snobbish reputation of students from my school ( I came from an International School) didn't help either. I'm glad to say that I think I've improved leaps and bounds in socializing with people now- but at times it still comes back to haunt me- like when I'm with a group of people, or when I'm alone with someone and I ...just simply don't know what to say. My sense of humour ( or lack thereof) certainly doesn't help either. I really envy people who are naturals at cracking jokes and keeping people entertained. The only strong point in my character that I think I have is kindness and tenderness. But then again...there are many kind people in this world....some much more so than me. Meh. No, I'm not fishing for compliments at all- I just seriously have a low self-esteem and it's not healthy.
And yes, I feel underappreciated all the time. I don't know why. Even when I try to be nice to people, I don't know whether people appreciate it or not. It's like there's nothing special about me, I've nothing special to offer to others. :/ I know for a fact that when I leave this world- the only person who would really miss me is my mum. But then again she is all that really matters to me in this world right?
Gah, I don't know. I'm like feeling so messed up right now. Foundation 2 assessment is only slightly more than 2 weeks away, and I'm seriously not prepared for it. I thought that during the CNY holidays and Nursing Week last week, I can do some serious catching up. But unfortunately, it was not to be. CNY hols- spent time shopping and going places with family. Did read up on some notes, but not as many as I would've liked to. Last week- hospital visits were very tiring (not to mention the report to hand in on Friday as well). Plus the PBL on Monday which caused me to stay up the whole night ( 2 PBL triggers to do over the weekend man!) and M1/07 orientation, and throw in the CPR practical exam which took up my entire Saturday, my revision plan went down the drain again.
Arrrgghhhh......

p/s: Would blog in detail about CNY holidays and Nursing week in another blog!
p.p.s... Why do certain people pretend not to notice me when they walk past me in school? Or is it the other way round? :/
p.p.p.s. I have this sudden strong urge to start serious blogging ( thanks Zi Yun!) Any tips or advise on how to start is very much appreciated :) TiA