Friday, March 2, 2018
I hate myself. I've mssed up so bad again. :)
I let my jealousy and my need to compare myself and my writing to others get in the way of my friendship with a group of amazing ladies. I've to admit, I feel a hole and a dull ache in my heart, caused by not chatting with them anymore
Why do I always do this? Why do I always destroy my friendship with the very few friends I have? Why do I always let my low self esteem and insecurities get the better of me and my relationships?
I have so few friends in real life- I depend on my online friends to keep me company and make me feel less lonely. Now, being the stupid and pathetic person I am, I push away my online friends too. Why oh why do I tend to hurt people who mean a lot to me?
I miss the GC girls, but I cannot go back to them, because if I do, I'll return to the same old cycle of feeling jealous of her fics :/
I want a fresh new start-changing my blog username, creating new blogs, etc.- but this means totally discarding the days I've put in to my writing, drafting and editing and re-editing my fics. All gone.
I'm a mess. My mind is a mess right now. I've to try my best not to let my online life get in the way of real life. Also, in real life I have to learn to control my temper.
I'm trying, I'm trying really hard.
God, please help me.
Wednesday, February 28, 2018
I'm trying to get hold of my life again. I'm trying to remove myself from all things which will cause me to have neugative thinking. I want to make myself happier. This is the only way I can move on if I cannot detach myself from my negative thinking. Since I cannot stop comparing myself to the other Omelia writers out there, I have to stop writing Omelia fics. There are too many Omelia writers already out there.
I have unfollowed Omelia accounts which write or reblog Omelia fics.
I have organized my Tumblr blog so that it is separated into 3 accounts- one for Grey's, one for motivational and cute stuff, and one separate one from a different email for This Is Us.
Also, I have decided to fade into the background of the Omelia group chat I am currently in. It just hurts so much that they only read and praise her fics, whereas they never read my fics anymore. I'll just stop interacting with them and maybe it wouldn't hurt so much.
At least I still have Liz and Sandra to chat with online and my family to support me in real life.
Furthermore, I have more important things to focus on, like my work, and better things to keep me occupied like reading.
I am reoganizing and taking control of my life. I can do this!!!
Sunday, January 7, 2018
I can't stop crying. I really ldon't know what to do or what I want with my life.
Apparently, I need to be happy all the time. I cannot show a sad face to my mom.
I have to put on a happy facade all the time, even though I feel empty inside. How exhausting that is!
Why can't she understand that I really appreciate what she does for me? I really do. I can't appear so happy and cheerful in front of her all the time. Just because she does everything for me, I have to be happy all the time.
Whenever I look less cheerful than usual- she would automacially detect it and wonder why am I not happy and be upset too and blame herself.
I don't know. I can't be happy all the time. I'm human after all. I have used up all my energy being happy in front of my staff and patients.
I am so so tired.
Lord, help me. I don't know what to do.
Saturday, January 6, 2018
What is the meaning of life? Have you ever asked yourself that? Is it getting a good education when you’re younger so that you can land yourself the perfect job when you grow up? Become a doctor, lawyer or engineer>? Or a successful businessperson, the CEO or a multimillion dollar company?
Become a well respected person with a lot of money?
And what are you going to do with the money? Buy a huge big bungalow? Several cars? A jet ski? A yacht? A piece of land?
I mean of course these are all great ambitions. Work hard to provide a perfect and comfortable life for your family and yourself. Own as many material possessions as you want.And then- what? The funny thing about human nature is that we are never satisfied with what we have. When we have a car, we want a better car. We have a house, we want a bigger house. We are always yearning for more. So we work and work and climb to the top of our career ladder and earn as much money as possible, and then what? Bring all our money and possessions to the grave?
We are often so caught up in the whirlwind of earning more money to support ourselves and our families that we fail to see what actual meaning of life is.
I mean- don’t get me wrong, of course we need money to lead a comfortable life. But are money and material possessions all there is in life? I see my mother, working so hard daily, contacting customers to come to her beauty centre. Is she happy?
What makes you happy? Have you ever asked yourself that? Is it your family? Your job? Food? Coffee? Travelling? Friends? Of course all these things make us happy- but for how long? Families break apart, people die. People get fired from jobs everyday. Too much food makes you fat and unhealthy.. Too much coffee isn’t good too. You can’t afford to travel all the time. Friends drift apart. So ask yourself again- what ACTUALLY makes you happy?
The reason I’m asking all these questions is because there is a missing hole in my life right now. I have always felt it, but these past few days- even more than ever. I am asking myself this question more and more now. I have just finished reading a book by a neurosurgeon in his final year of residency who died of stage 4 lung cancer, entitled ‘When Breath Becomes Air.’. In his book, he beautifully described his quest for the meaning of life and his transformation from doctor to patient overnight. ( I would highly recommend this book). Reading it made me question- what is the main purpose of life and living?
I am a practising Christian- I go to church every week, I do my daily devotions every night and pray every morning. I have even read ‘The ‘Purpose Driven Life’ by Rick Warren. Still it doesn’t give me the answers it should. I am always told that God is the answer to all this, but why can’t I feel the joy and satisfaction in God which all Christians feel?
I feel so empty inside. In theory, I am supposed to be so happy and contented with my life right now. I have a loving family who care for me, my faith in God, a beautiful GP clinic, while practising aesthetics upstairs in my mom’s shop. I am supposed to get my LCP license in a couple of years time so that I can freely practise aesthetics in my clinic. My entire future is being mapped out for me. ( Just like most Asian- especially Chinese children’s futures are). By being an aesthetic doctor- I can help up my mom’s beauty centre, as over here we need qualified aesthetic doctors to be able to perform aesthetics procedures. But somehow, this prospect doesn’t excite me as much as it should. Customers, as is human nature, complain when they aren’t satisfied with the results. When they are satisfied, they remain silent. Lately, I have been trying a new type of filler, and it procedures instant and satisfying results. Every customer I perform the procedure on are satisfied, but somehow I still don’t gain the satisfaction in it.
What makes me happy? My family, coffee, going online, chatting with online friends, good food. But even those give only temporary joy, lasting for only a few minutes.
I have heard the saying ‘Find a job you like, and you wouldn’t have to work a single day of your life’ But what do I actually like to do? I don’t know. I would answer that I love writing and I love encouraging others. Then what? What can I do with this passion of mine?
For some time, I thought that I can pour my passion by writing fanfics, but that doesn’t seem to work.
Everything I do- I put my heart and soul into it. And this extends to fanfics too- so much so that I put too much pressure on myself, editing, reediting and wishing for feedback. And that now takes away my joy of writing fanfics too.
I am stuck. I really don’t know what to do with my life. I can’t talk to my family members or anyone in real life because nobody in my real life supports my passion for writing. So yeah, this is me- pouring my heart out to strangers, because somehow that weirdly feels so much easier than pouring my heart out to loved ones.