Rejected

Rejected. We all face rejection at some point in our lives. Rejection by friends, by colleagues, bosses, even family members. Rejection from job interviews. But the worst rejection of all- rejection by God.

I can’t believe it. Was that God trying to tell me last night that I don’t need him- I don’t need healing? Because I am too ‘lucky’ and have everything , therefore I don’t need Him? They said that my sister has been through and suffering a lot and needs Him more than me. Is it true? What defines lucky anyways? Having lots of money, having all the material possessions you need? Having all the material possessions in the world doesn’t make you Rich and lucky!!!

I may seem lucky and happy on the outside, but inside I’m hurting too. I feel worthless, useless and lonely. God, don’t push me away. I really need you too. After all- I thought that I’m your precious child too, that we all are?

God , bless my family always and let your presence be felt in my family.

In Jesus’s most precious name I pray, Amen.

My Birthday Message

When the clock struck midnight last night , I was watching the movie ‘To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before’. Something the main female protagonist has in common with me (at the beginning of the show) is that we have never been in love before. The thing is, Lara Jean is only 16, whereas I am already 35. 😅

Anyways, I digress.

I have experienced love and continue experiencing love in many forms. I am eternally grateful for my wonderful family who never fail to support me and are my source of strength and courage. I am also thankful to all the friends ( both online and in real Iife), acquaintances and colleagues I’ve met along the way in this journey of life. This is life, seasons come and go and people enter into our lives and then leave, but not without leaving behind footprints in our hearts and memories which we will cherish forever.

The thing I am most grateful for is my faith in our almighty and everlasting God. Material things will fade away, people, even family members will leave and betray us. But God’s promise to us and His love for us is eternal. He reminds me that no matter what others perceive of me, I’m His beloved and cherished child, who is a Turner’s Syndrome Survivor and has overcome the 2% chance of being born alive into this world and has beat all the other odds stacked up against her.

I still want to go to America someday and still dream of publishing a book one day and inspiring people with my writing. But until then, life is great and I’ll continue serving God in my daily life and work.

I love you all ❤️😘🤗

She Is Beautiful

She is beautiful

She is beautiful, not because of the make up she applies but because of the tenderness of her heart.

She is beautiful, not due to the brand of clothes or shoes she wears but the kindness in which she treats others.

She is beautiful, not from the expensive jewelry she adorns, but from the compassion in her heart.

She is beautiful, not from her external appearance, but from her inner heart, where her real beauty shines.

- Ailing

Hope

Hope is the breath of nature that surrounds us every day.

Hope is seen in a sprig that shoots up from the crevasse of a sun-dried rock, proving the water of life within.

Hope is the first ray of sunshine that peeks above the horizon without fail- every morning with blazing truth, telling us we can make it through.

Hope is dispatched when the moon rises in the dark night, fore-shadowing that a new day will dawn.

Hope swells within a sea-weary drifter when he spots a distant speck of a ship that grows larger with each passing wave.

Hope headlines commencement addresses, inspiring graduates as they embark on the new life that lies ahead, as they step out on the pathway strewn with possibilities.

Hope is the cry of a newborn baby once bound, new free.

- Excerpt from Billy Graham, The Reason For My Hope

I wish for equality

I wish there is equality in this world... I wish there is no such thing as racial or sexual discrimination. I wish all humans are treated equally and given equal opportunities in life regardless or gender, race, status and religion. I wish that there is justice in this world. I wish people don't have to suffer just because of their gender, religion, beliefs or social status. I wish people don't get shot just because they are black, don't get labelled as a terrorist just because they are Muslim, get persecuted because they are Christian, get shunned by the society just because they are gay, or get sexually harrassed just because they are female. I wish every Malaysian has equal opportunity regardless of race and religion. I wish each and every person in this world has an equal shot at everything life has to offer.

Lord, I try

Lord- I try, I really try. I have to learn to smile even when I don’t feel like smiling and not to show it out when I’m feeling upset. I don’t know how to - but I have to . It’s easier said than done though. I pray for the strength to be able to do so in your name, Lord.

Lord, I’m just so weary. Not tired from work, but tired from having to put on a happy face and a happy mask all the time. I am only human, don’t expect me to not show any emotions. I am only human- I can be angry, upset too sometimes. Why can’t you get it? Also, I never knew that eating a bit of noodles ( which I haven’t eaten for so long) is considered as over eating

Mental Health Matters

If status and wealth can grant us immunity against depression, anxiety and other mental illness, we wouldn’t hear of celebrities committing suicide. Drepression doesn't discriminate.
Just saying. #EndTheStigma #DepressionIsReal #MentalHealthMatters

Stop the stigma against mental illness

You smile but inside you’re crying
You laugh but inside you’re hurting
You act all cheerful and jolly but inside you’re far from happy
You cannot show an upset face because you are supposed to be happy all the time
As you supposedly have everything that you want and need

You learn that there is no place in this world for sadness and depression
Because these are signs of weakness
So you learn to wear a mask everyday
Because who would like to see someone who looks sad?
You get chided when you look upset
Because you are supposed to be happy all the time

You find it so exhausting
To put on a tough and joyful facade all the time
Sometimes you wonder how long can you keep up with the act
On the outside, you are so lucky and have everything
But deep down inside , you feel so empty
However, you refuse to sink into the abysss
You keep on fighting , but you’re afraid that one day you’ll break down and can’t fight this daily battle anymore
You’ve no one to talk to, because nobody believes that someone as lucky as you should be depressed
You cry out to God, but all you get is silence
So you go on with life feeling like an empty shell

You hear the sad news of celebrities like Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain
And you realize that they also supposedly had everything going on for them
And yet they weren’t immune
So you pray that you wouldn’t end up like them as yet another statistic
Due to the lack of awareness of mental health worldwide

P.s Mental Health is as important as physical health. Stop the stigma against mental illness!

God's dear daughter

*trigger warning for sexual assault*

This is something I feel very passionately about- their voices need to be heard:

To all the rape victims out there who are never being heard:

To the little girl who was repeatedly raped by her father

To the teenager who was raped again and again by her stepfather

To the college girl who just wanted to go out for a drink with friends and got her drink spiked

To the young lady who went on a date with her boyfriend and he couldn't take no for an answer

To the woman who decided to take the shortcut home from work just that one day because it was getting late and she just wanted to go home after a tiring day at work- but never made it home in one piece

Nobody hears you as you wake up screaming in the middle of the night because after all these years you still see his face clearly whenever you close your eyes. You still can feel his alcohol reeked breath down your neck . You still remember the feeling of helplessness and hopelessness you felt as he overpowered you and pinned you underneath him.

And yet - you have to remain silent.

You cannot speak up, because even if you dare to do so- the entire system would be against you. You would be interrogated in court- and would be forced to see his face again, and relive the entire traumatic experience again in public. He'll get a minimal sentence, maybe 6 months in jail, but you, there's a part of you which had been rudely snatched away from you. A piece of you that you can never regain back, your dignity. You'll walk with an emotional scar your entire life.

But justice will favor him .

And you'll be blamed.

Because it's your fault that you are too attractive for your father/ stepfather to handle.

It's your fault you decide to go out for a drink.

It's your fault you went out on a date with a guy you just met.

It's your fault you decided to take the shortcut home that day.

It's always your fault.

So you decide to remain silent and bear the scars for the rest of your life.

Because nobody understands what you go through daily, the incredible strength it takes for you to go about your daily life with a brave smile on your face.

Because really, nobody would care or bother about what happened to you- until a similar thing happens to them- or to their mother, daughter, sister, friend.

Until then, stay strong my dear one- God is with you. God sees you as His precious daughter and he hears your silent cries and screams of anguish. He wipes away your tears, He collects your tears in a bottle.

He wants you to know that although it may seem so- you're not alone. He is with you.

Just because

Just because I supposedly have everything I need , it doesn’t necessarily mean that I am happy. Just because I am lucky enough to have everything in life , it doesn’t mean that I don’t feel sad and depressed sometimes.

Just because I can never be skinny due to the hormones I am taking, it doesn’t mean that I am not at risk of suffering from an eating disorder one day，after looking at all the women around me striving to me as skinny as possible.

The emptiness in my heart can’t be filled by money, material belongings , or even a loving, caring family.

Lord, please help me fill this huge hole in my heart 😞

I messed up

I hate myself. I've mssed up so bad again. :)

I let my jealousy and my need to compare myself and my writing to others get in the way of my friendship with a group of amazing ladies. I've to admit, I feel a hole and a dull ache in my heart, caused by not chatting with them anymore

Why do I always do this? Why do I always destroy my friendship with the very few friends I have? Why do I always let my low self esteem and insecurities get the better of me and my relationships?

I have so few friends in real life- I depend on my online friends to keep me company and make me feel less lonely. Now, being the stupid and pathetic person I am, I push away my online friends too. Why oh why do I tend to hurt people who mean a lot to me? 

I miss the GC girls, but I cannot go back to them, because if I do, I'll return to the same old cycle of feeling jealous of her fics :/

I want a fresh new start-changing my blog username, creating new blogs, etc.- but this means totally discarding the days I've put in to my writing, drafting and editing and re-editing my fics. All gone.

I'm a mess. My mind is a mess right now. I've to try my best not to let my online life get in the way of real life. Also, in real life I have to learn to control my temper. 

I'm trying, I'm trying really hard. 

God, please help me.

Taking Control

I'm trying to get hold of my life again. I'm trying to remove myself from all things which will cause me to have neugative thinking. I want to make myself happier. This is the only way I can move on if I cannot detach myself from my negative thinking. Since I cannot stop comparing myself to the other Omelia writers out there, I have to stop writing Omelia fics. There are too many Omelia writers already out there.

I have unfollowed Omelia accounts which write or reblog Omelia fics.

I have organized my Tumblr blog so that it is separated into 3 accounts- one for Grey's, one for motivational and cute stuff, and one separate one from a different email for This Is Us.

Also, I have decided to fade into the background of the Omelia group chat I am currently in. It just hurts so much that they only read and praise her fics, whereas they never read my fics anymore. I'll just stop interacting with them and maybe it wouldn't hurt so much.

At least I still have Liz and Sandra to chat with online and my family to support me in real life.

Furthermore, I have more important things to focus on, like my work, and better things to keep me occupied like reading.

I am reoganizing and taking control of my life. I can do this!!!

I wish

I do wish a lot of things.

I wish that I can lose more weight.

I eat oats or cereal for breakfast everyday, then oats with a bit of meat and vegs for lunch and just a few spoons of rice ( or glass noodles which are not fattening) with a bit of meat and vegs for dinner. And I do gym twice a week and yoga twice a week. But I am still my old chubby self. I hate it 😞 i still get called fat or chubby even though I have lost 12 kg from 4 years ago. During my vacation in Thailand last week, I had a hard time finding a shirt or trousers which suit me.

I wish that I can have people asking me, whether on anon or not, when is my next fic update going to be, or give me prompts to write because no one ever asks me ( although other fic writers get asked that a lot) and I’m no longer motivated to write because I feel like no one cares.

I wish I can just leave my clinic and everything behind and go on a vacation by the beach.

I wish I can be a freelance writer and write anything I want and be paid for it instead of being in a job which only gives me money but no satisfaction.

Well, a girl can wish right? 😅

I can't stop crying. I really ldon't know what to do or what I want with my life.
Apparently, I need to be happy all the time. I cannot show a sad face to my mom.
I have to put on a happy facade all the time, even though I feel empty inside. How exhausting that is!

Why can't she understand that I really appreciate what she does for me? I really do. I can't appear so happy and cheerful in front of her all the time. Just because she does everything for me, I have to be happy all the time.

Whenever I look less cheerful than usual- she would automacially detect it and wonder why am I not happy and be upset too and blame herself.

I don't know. I can't be happy all the time. I'm human after all. I have used up all my energy being happy in front of my staff and patients.

I am so so tired.

Lord, help me. I don't know what to do.

Hope

Hope

To the little boy who has been transferred to his 10^th foster home because no family could tolerate his wild behaviour,

To the teenage girl who has been sexually assaulted by her father repeatedly since she was 13 and whose mother didn’t believe her,

To the teenage boy who is struggling with drug addiction and his grades in college,

To the young woman who is struggling with an eating disorder,

To the young man who is battling depression but has no one to turn too because men don’t talk about these things,

To the woman whose husband has been physically and emotionally abusive towards her but she doesn’t have the ways or means to escape with her 3 children,

To anyone out there who is still grieving over the loss of a love one, and the wound is still fresh and the hurt too deep,

To anyone who has ever lost a loved one, which left a gaping hole in their heart which cannot be healed,

To the person who has just lost their job, their sole source of income for the family,

To the person who has been ridiculed their whole life,

To the person who has been diagnosed with a terminal illness,

To the person who feels like they are not worth it and life is not worth living anymore.

Listen here, dear one, God will never give you more than you can handle.

God loves you so much and will never abandon you.

He sees your tears and His heart aches with you, because you are His precious child.

Hope is seeing the light in the midst of surrounding darkness.

Hope is the little voice you hear whisper ‘maybe ‘when it seems like the entire world is shouting ‘No’.

Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and do the right thing, the dawn will come.

You don’t give up, my dear one.

Because there is light at the end of the tunnel, rainbow after the rain, sunshine after the clouds.

After all, like Carrie Underwood says  ‘This Is Our Temporary Home.’

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