I messed up

I hate myself. I've mssed up so bad again. :)

I let my jealousy and my need to compare myself and my writing to others get in the way of my friendship with a group of amazing ladies. I've to admit, I feel a hole and a dull ache in my heart, caused by not chatting with them anymore

Why do I always do this? Why do I always destroy my friendship with the very few friends I have? Why do I always let my low self esteem and insecurities get the better of me and my relationships?

I have so few friends in real life- I depend on my online friends to keep me company and make me feel less lonely. Now, being the stupid and pathetic person I am, I push away my online friends too. Why oh why do I tend to hurt people who mean a lot to me? 

I miss the GC girls, but I cannot go back to them, because if I do, I'll return to the same old cycle of feeling jealous of her fics :/

I want a fresh new start-changing my blog username, creating new blogs, etc.- but this means totally discarding the days I've put in to my writing, drafting and editing and re-editing my fics. All gone.

I'm a mess. My mind is a mess right now. I've to try my best not to let my online life get in the way of real life. Also, in real life I have to learn to control my temper. 

I'm trying, I'm trying really hard. 

God, please help me.