I'm Tired

I’m tired

I’m just so tired.
I’m tired of being pampered by my family but at the same time being looked down upon by everyone else.
I’m tired of trying my very f***ing best in everything I do- seeing patients to the best of my ability and doing all I can for them, but getting no appreciation at all in return. Instead all I get is criticism for apparently not seeing patients fast enough.
I’m tired of just running in circles every single day, every single week. Every day is just the long drive to and from work, going to work seeing the same old patients, seeing the same old colleagues who barely talk to you, coming back doing gym, dinner, study, sleep. Life has become meaningless. I feel so empty inside. Something is missing, and I can’t pinpoint what it is.
I’m tired of my family members telling me that I should be happy as I have everything I need, a loving family, a big comfortable house, I should be happy,. But I’m not….and I can’t tell them why. I’m tired of trying to be happy for them and living up to their expectations of being this obedient daughter.
I’m just tired of living in general. Anyways, if I leave this world, no one will miss me, except my family members. They and God are the only reason why I am still hanging on right now. And my favourite shows and fanfics too.

All I want

All I want is to be appreciated by others.
I just want someone to tell me that I am alright, that I am loved, that I am worth it.
I am sure I have some good traits in me too, something special about me which others and even I myself cannot see.

Hopeless

I never seem to be important enough for anyone ( except maybe my mom)....once I am out of sight, I am out of mind.... Everytime I go to a new place..  people in the old place will just forget about me....I am so forgettable. I bet when I leave this world, no one will miss me....I am just a tiny speckle of dust after all....
Who cares about me?  No one will read this anyways.... This is my secret about how I feel about myself....useless, hopeless, without a future.  I'll never get married or have children,  I'll die alone.  That's the reason why I want to die young...

Appreciated

I just want to feel more appreciated by the people around me....at least one kind word of appreciation would be enough to make my day. Is it too much for a girl to ask for? :/

Maybe...

Maybe...just maybe if I don't worry too much about what other people think I would be much happier?  I mean, I know sometimes listening to constructive criticism and advice from others is important to improve oneself, but maybe I take every single thing to heart. I am too sensitive. And that's why I am seldom happy. Maybe that's the reason? Hmm....
I can't possibly please every single person on the planet after all, I'm only human. 

I wonder...

I wonder why I am always not happy most of the time....I don't know what is wrong with me....I have everything I could possibly want....and yet I am still not happy. It's like there is a missing piece, a hole in my heart. I have to find the missing piece! Lord, help me...

Lately I've been wondering....

Lately I've been wondering- when I leave this world- will anyone remember me? Will anyone actually miss me? Who will attend my funeral? Well - obviously my mum, stepfather and stepsisters...but will anyone else remember me? Will I be remembered for all the mistakes I've done and all my flaws- or will I be remembered for a very few good traits I have or good deeds I've done? Done anyone actually appreciate me ( other than my family members?) I wish to make more of an impact on the life of others before I leave this world.

Why?

Why is it so damn hard for me to be happy? I have everything I could possibly need- a happy and loving family, a large house, a comfortable life, a stable job- why am I still not happy? Why do I still have to force myself to smile every single day? Why isn't there any joy inside of me? Why do I still feel like there is something missing inside of me? A huge hole in my heart, a black hole in my soul? Why oh why?

RIP

RIP TS sister Amber. Another butterfly has gained her angel wings after complications following heart surgery. Though I never got to know you, you must have been a great person.
This serves as another reminder to us Turners Syndrome girls to always take care of ourselves and never take our health for granted. We need regular checkup for all systems in our body, as our body is more fragile. Seriously, much more awareness about this condition is needed.
My thoughts go to all those Turners syndrome girls who were miscarried, never made it to birth, and those who lost their lives due to complications from TS.
I should not take my life and health for granted. I might be healthy today, but not tomorrow. Sometimes I wonder why God lets me live this long, maybe he had a purpose for me although I still don't know what it is yet.

Depressed

Depression is....forcing yourself to smile to others even when you don't feel like smiling inside.
Depression is....putting on a mask everyday when you go out and you're only able to take off the mask once you are totally alone.
Depression is....finding daily tasks such as getting up, going to work, etc just another boring chore.
Depression is....finding only momentary solitude and happiness in things you enjoy such as Facebook, going online, eating good food and attending movies. When the moment ends, so does your happiness.
Depression is.... wondering why others can smile and laugh so easily , but for you it's something you have to force yourself very hard to do.
Depression is.....often misunderstood, as people would think that you are being ungrateful, unappreciative, a sour puss, not a great person to be around, when in actual fact, that it not the case at all.
But it is real, as I am experiencing right now. And as depression is still viewed as a social stigma in my country, and no one really understands when you tell them, especially since you have everything you need in life ( family, job, huge house, etc.) and would ask ' What more could you possible want?'
Let me tell you this, depression is real. Please do not underestimate the importance of recognizing and treating depression, and please do reach out to someone who is depressed. They really need you right now. They might be feeling so alone and thinking that no one understand them, and feeling like they are sinking into a dark black hole and there is no one to help them. You might save a life.

Surely....

Surely there is more to daily routine than work, study, eat, exercise and the weekly Saturday night lepaking? Surely there is more to life than work and earning as much money as possible, getting married, having a successful career, children and grandchildren? Surely there is more to life than a huge house and many cars? Material possessions cannot fill an empty soul...

Happy International Women's Day

I would just like to wish all you dear TS sisters Happy International Women's Day. Women have come so far since the ancient times- now women have freedom to pursue education, choose their career and the number of children they want to have. However there are still some parts of the world where women are still considered as second class citizens and sons are still valued over daughters. We have come so far and yet we still have far to go. Women go through a lot in their lifetime- they go through childbirth, pregnancy, PMS, menopause, some who are not so lucky go through rape, abuse, sex slavery, being cheated on by their spouses, etc. And the modern women has to be strong enough to manage their household and their children aside from their jobs.  Here is to all you strong women out there!! 

MH370 One Year Anniversary

Exactly one year later... One of the greatest aviation mysteries in this country had still not been solved. MH370 still has not been found, not a trace of the plane nor the passengers or crew aboard the plane. Family members are still hoping and praying against hope that one fine day their loved ones will appear in front of them.
Exactly one year after MH370 disappeared, my thoughts and prayers go out to those on board MH370 and their loved ones.

I am strong

I am strong. I can overcome this. I will NOT let anyone or any circumstance let me down. We TS girls are strong and we are fighters. We are also humans who make mistakes, but we all learn from our mistakes. I will get out from this stronger than ever, how does a coal become a diamond? It goes through burning hot fire.

One day, I will find someone who would appreciate me for who I am, and a place and a job which I love, where I would be more appreciated. Until then Lord, please give me a peace of mind, strength and determination and also wisdom to learn from my past mistakes, and be a better person and doctor. 

I have to put 300% effort in order to achieve half of what others can do- but no one understands that. I wish they can see how hard I have tried. I am so tired and weary. I don't know why I keep on making mistakes and messing up no matter how hard I try. Isn't there any job which is suitable for me- which I can do well in? I'm sure God gave me gifts, why I can't see what they are? Why can't I be good in anything?

 

Do not judge others!

Today, I really need to get something off my chest..

Wouldn't the world be a much better place to live in if we all accepted our differences? God creates us all in His image. Each and everyone of us has a unique set of gift and talents given by God. We are not superior to others, and everyone is equal in God's eyes despite of gender, race and religion.

Unfortunately, we humans , our eyes clouded by greed and sin, fail to realize that.

We as sinful humans tend to gossip about others and put others down. I don't know why this human nature persists- maybe because humans are insecure and feel better about themselves by putting others down.

Doctors are even worse- as they hardly have lives outside the hospital, the hospital becomes a gossip mill. Usually I just keep quiet when a group of people are talking bad about someone, but do wonder deep down inside whether I can trust them- as what is to stop them from talking about me behind my back? And doctors especially housemen are usually judged even before they step foot into a department. Every department is the exact same.

Before you judge others, please think twice.

A person you call fat might be severely hypothyroid. A person you call short might have Turner's Syndrome. A person you call weird might have Aspergers. A single teenage mother might actually have been raped.

The person whom you call slow and clumsy might actually have a coordination problem that causes their brain to fail to coordinate properly with their hands and legs.

So please please do not judge others. We are all humans, we all make mistakes and learn precious life lessons from them, we are all children of God, we are all equal regardless of gender, race and religion.

Please do me a favor and start lifting others up inside of putting others down. Give someone a compliment instead of a criticism. You wouldn't lose anything and instead gain a friendship. And who knows you might actually save a life.

I know it is hard and against human nature,, but you can do it if you put your mind to it.

Thank you for listening.

p.s  This is just a general post, not targeted at anyone in particular.

If I die tomorrow...

If I die tomorrow…..what will you remember about me?

Would you remember my numerous mistakes, or would you remember the few times I did something right?

Would you remember my countless flaws and weaknesses, or would you remember my very few strengths?

Would you remember me as the short, fat, stupid, ugly, clumsy and careless girl or would you remember me a the tiny girl with the big heart?

Would you remember me as the girl who can’t even make her own choices or would you remember me as the obedient girl who only wants to please others?

Would you remember me as the girl who is shy, timid and weak or would you remember me as the girl who was humble enough to hide her own inner strength?

If I die tomorrow…..what would you remember me as?

To the anti vaccers out there...

4 year old Bobby ( not his real name) was a happy and cheerful boy. He used to love going fishing with his daddy and going for an icecream treat with mummy. He loved cartoons, all types of cartoons. He loved his toy cars, and firetrucks. His ambition was to become a firefighter. He loved his family.

But unfortunately now he is lying comatose on a bed in the PICU- with the numerous iV drips hanging around him and monitors beeping continuously at his bedside.  His mother Jane (not her real name), has not left his bedside for the past 24 hours. The eyebags under her eyes are obvious.

It happened all so fast for Jane.  One day, Bobby was happily playing soccer with his neighbours, next day he is lying still on a hospital bed, intubated.

All of a sudden, a nurse who was attending to him screamed out ‘ He is crashing!’ All the doctors and nurses who are in the PICU at the time rush over to his bedside. After frantically trying to resuscitate him they failed . Bobby was pronounced dead.

His mother’s heartwrenching wails could be heard throughout the entire PICU.

During his funeral, she couldn’t even bear to look at his tiny little coffin.

Bobby would never get attend elementary or high school. He would never go to college and graduate. . He would never fall in love, get married and have children and grandchildren.

His life was cut short all because his parents made the decision not to vaccinate him, causing him to contract measles.

His parents are among the increasing number of parents deciding not to vaccinate their child. A family friend told them that a friend of hers had a child who developed autism after measles vaccine. They didn’t know that currently there are no proven studies to state that there is a link between autism and measles vaccine.  They didn’t know that lately there had been measles outbreaks ( e.g Disneyland measles outbreak) all due to the fact parents are unwilling to vaccinate their children.

But now it’s too late. Bobby has already gone to heaven. It could have been prevented.

So to all you parents ( or prospective parents) out there, I have only one clear and simple message for you- please do vaccinate your children. Do not be selfish and assume that others will vaccinate their children so you don’t have to. If everyone has that mentality, there will be a reoutbreak of supposedly eradicated diseases such as measles, polio, and whooping cough, and many children would die from them.

So please vaccinate your child- before it’s too late.

Thank you. J

To my dear TS sister...

To my young TS sister who committed suicide due to bullying...
Though I never got to know you, never got to speak to you, never got to see the pain, torment and anguish you've been through ... But just know that I Understand what you've been through... Because I've been through the same thing too...
We TS girls are sensitive... You know why? Because we have low self esteem due to the fact that we are always being looked down upon and underestimated. Because people will never understand us. They will never understand why we are the way we are.

I will never know the exact thoughts that go through your mind during the last moments of your life... Were you lonely? Scared? Angry? Upset, feeling lost? Under appreciated? Did you let all the things and horrible words they said to you echo in your head? Either way, I really hope that you are happy, free and in a better place now. We TS girls don't belong in this world after all...
I wish I had known you before you decided to take your life... Then I would have told you how special you are, how special all us TS girls are, even if the big bad world out there tries to convince us otherwise. I would have told you that you are beautiful, you are smart, you are amazing just the way you are. Because every person needs to hear that once in a while...I would have told you that you had a bright future ahead of you, you can follow your dreams and not let anyone hold you back. But it's too late now.
So to myself and all my other TS sisters, I would like to repeat what I said in my previous paragraph to you. Because we are strong, beautiful and special in God's eyes indeed. Who cares what others think of us?

You..

You
Hey you- yes you….Can you stop scrolling through your FB feed for a minute? I need just a minute or two of your time…
Have I got your attention? Now let me ask you a question….what is the main thing that drives your life today? What is the one thing that keeps you going and striving day after day? Is it money? The desire to be recognized and to get promoted? Fame? Your family and loved ones? God?
You know…the fact is…money is the most powerful driving factor of all. Some of us spend almost half the day at the workplace…striving hard to earn money.
The thing is…we do NEED money. We need money for our livelihood. We need money to have a comfortable place to stay in, for food, for entertainment, to pay the bills, to support our loved ones, and to guarantee the future of our loved ones. Money is essential for survival and to live a comfortable life.
It is when we let money control us and our lives…when we would do just about anything to get hold of money that it becomes the root of all evil. Do you know that people get robbed, murdered daily just because of money? People get cheated because of money, relationships with spouses, friendships and families get torn apart all because of money.
It is so sad to see what a materialistic world we live in today. If you don’t have money, people would not even take a second glance at you and instead run far away from you. On the other hand, if you are rich, people would be queueing up to be your friend. When you lose everything, this is when you can see who your real friends are. Also friendships nowadays seem to be superficial. You will get invited to have a coffee with a friend, only to discover that they just want to sell insurance to you.
Friends, sure money is essential for our livelihood, but please don’t make it the core or essence of your life. There is much more to life than status, property and materialistic things, trust me. You can own 5 cars, a large house, an iphone, an ipad, and yet still not be happy. Because happiness that comes from materialistic things is just temporarily. Soon, you would be bored of the things you own and desire for more.
On the other hand the inner joy that you have from helping others, having loved ones to cherish and having meaningful relationships will last a lifetime. Too often we are too busy chasing wealth, status and fame that we overlook the simpler but more important things in life such as a hug or kiss from a loved one, the smell or a rose, the sound of nature, the giggling of innocent children.
When you are lying on your death bed, the things that come to your mind would not be the millions of cash or property you own, your high flying status in your company or the number of houses or lands or cars you own. Instead, you would be thinking about your loved ones and family, when was the last time you hugged them or said ‘I love you ‘ to them. You would be thinking about the times you did something not so nice to someone which you now regret. When you die, you do NOT bring your money or status or wealth with you. Instead, you bring with you all the precious memories you had with your loved ones and all the good deeds you have done throughout your lifetime.
You must scoff at what I am saying now, but trust me, when the time comes for you to leave this world ( hopefully not anytime soon) you’ll remember this. You might think it is not important now, but you just never know when your life would end. You might die in an accident, a car crash, a plane crash tomorrow….and by then it might be too late to reevaluate your priorities.
Ok, now that I’ve said my piece you can continue scrolling