The Crossroads

Friday, 15th June 2006

Here I sit in my own room , in front of my beloved companion, my laptop. Something deep inside me is urging me to write out every single thing and every single thought that is running through my mind right now. But now that Im properly sitted in front of my laptop, my mind draws a complete blank. There are no more tears to be shed, at least not at the moment, they have all run dry. Because I am feeling so hopeless at the moment. This feeling of being hopeless and helpless in weighing heavily on my very heart and soul. I simply dont know where to pour all my hearts contents to now. Hopefully by writing all my current burdens and worries down, it can help to ease the load off me somewhat. Because I express my inner and true feelings much better in writing that in person, thats just who I am. I am a very shy, reserved and secretive person, an introvert, making it hard for me to open up to others. This is the only way that I can open up and tell others what I really feel inside, what Im going through at this very moment.Oh Lord, why do you let me down yet again? You are full of promises, you promise that youll never forsake us, your sons and daughters. Why everytime when I put my hope and trust in you, youll always let me down? Why do you let me fail time and time again?

Just two days ago, you raised my hopes up when my name was on the viva list. I thought that I had actually passed all my spring semester modules and could graduate this summer, despite my endless worries about the two double modules that I sat for. But today, you dashed my hopes yet again. This afternoon, when I went back to the Biosciences Building to check my final degree results, I spotted a bunch of 1s and 2:1s on the newly released list of our final degree classifications. Could I actually be one of them? Could I actually obtain a 2:1 for my degree? Impossible. My eyes slowly scanned down the list, searching for my student number. ( Yes, they are kind enough to use numbers and not names). 0332729 *see Dr.SanterOh, this isnt looking good at all. My heart pounding fast, I walked slowly up the stairs of the West Wing in the Biosciences Building to the 3rd floor where Dr. Santer, my Personal Tutors office is located. By then, I already had this sinking feeling, I knew what was coming. And yes, my worst fears were confirmed. I had failed two modules, one single module in the autumn semester, and one double module in the spring semester.

*flashback*It was on a Wednesday morning, I was up after just a few hours of sleep, rushing to complete the latest segment of my final year project, which was to be handed in to my project supervisor aka personal tutor that day. Maybe I should check the university websites blackboard to see if our Autumn semester results are out yet.A few quick, masterful clicks, and Im now logged into the blackboard. Oh, our results are out! Heart pounding fast, I click on the link which took me to the list with our results for the AN3103 module. I scan the list for my student number. I find it. Oh, oh no, it cant be. It just cant be. Beside my student number were the two letters FM (Failed module). To top things up, I was the only person in my whole class who seemed to fail that module. Ouch. I felt as if someone had just stuck the blade of a dagger right into my heart. I was so confident that I had passed that paper and that I had failed my Psychology paper. But no, I just had to be so happy to discover that I had somehow passed my Psychology paper a few days ago, and thought that everything was going on well in my life. But this just had to happen to me. All the all-nighters that Ive pulled, the notes and journals that Ive read are all for naught.*fastforward*

This is not the end of the world the kind voice, of Dr.Santer, my personal tutor, brought me back to the future. Normally, since you dont have enough credits, you wouldnt be allowed to graduate with an honours degree. But you actually have an alternative.you can chose to resit either one of the modules that youve failed, or resit both of them. Do let me know on Monday ok? I tried to put on a brave face and smile at him. But inside, Im already starting to quiver. My whole world is tumbling down on me yet again. Why does it always have to be like this? Why oh why!

You see, Neuroscience was not my first choice, it was never what I really wanted to do in the first place. Since young, I had always wanted to become a doctor. Well, I was somehow brainwashed by the people around me that being a doctor is very prestigious, youll earn lots of money and youll gain plenty of respect from others. Although now that Im older, come to think of it, I simply cant figure out what is so great about becoming a doctor. You work long hours, you get scolded all the time by your seniors, you hardly get any time for yourself, you get depressed when your patients die. Is it all worth it? I did go to a pre-medical college, beginning my journey to become a doctor. But when I applied through the UCAS form, oddly, none of the 4 universities I applied to even called me for an interview. Not a single one, even though I was way past their target mark. So one day, my college principal called me up to suggest me to do a new course instead, since my teachers observed how slow I am in handling labwork. They didnt think I could cope with medicine anyways. Well, maybe they are right. I am slow in everything and not capable of doing much. Do Pharmacy? I was asked. Ugh no. Pharmacy is too boring, just memorizing structures and names of various types of drugs. No way. (Although now I sort of wish I did take up Pharmacy- imagine how many of my friends could actually help me out) Neuroscience. Neuroscience is a really tough and challenging course, its good for brainy people like you. Ugh ok, I dont know what the heck it is about, but ok, if you suggest so- ok then Well, haha, its too late now to change course. I got myself into this mess, into the hellish situation that I cant get out of. Now I have to force myself to study Neuroscience- complete my bachelors degree in Neuroscience, then continue Masters and then PhD. Well, no matter how much I dislike and have no interest in the subject, I still have to carry on right? Because its normal for people to not enjoy what they are doing. I mean, who in this world actually enjoys what they are doing or what they are studying?
What you do yourself actually want to do? people would always ask me. My answer would be I dont know. Well, I really dont know what I want to do. A small voice inside of me whispers writing- you love writing dont you? Then another voice says Stupid girl! What can you gain out of writing? They are so many people who can write much better than you!I know Im not the worlds greatest writer, but I do need to start somewhere right? I dont necessarily want to become a famous author or anything, I just want to do something related to writingLike what?Emmmemmm like journalism?Journalism? Travelling around everywhere, having to ask people questions?Ummwell.I admit that I hate that part of itWell then WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?

Oh God. I feel so hopeless and useless. I thought that you have given each of us a gift, something which we are good at, something which we make use of to serve you in some way or another. What is my gift God? What is it? Why dont I have anything that I am good at? I am slow, clumsy, inefficient, quiet, reserved, not motivated, the list goes on and on. I cant find one single positive thing or talent about myself. Why oh why? Is there a gift deep inside me that is still waiting to be discovered? I dont know. There are so many questions unanswered. I dont know who am I, I dont know why I come to this world for, I dont know why my mother bore such a useless daughter like me. Everything that I can do, people can do much better than me.And the only thing that I can do is cry. Oh yes, crying is my best weapon. Lord, please do help this useless being.