Just because

Just because I supposedly have everything I need , it doesn’t necessarily mean that I am happy. Just because I am lucky enough to have everything in life , it doesn’t mean that I don’t feel sad and depressed sometimes.

Just because I can never be skinny due to the hormones I am taking, it doesn’t mean that I am not at risk of suffering from an eating disorder one day，after looking at all the women around me striving to me as skinny as possible.

The emptiness in my heart can’t be filled by money, material belongings , or even a loving, caring family.

Lord, please help me fill this huge hole in my heart 😞

I messed up

I hate myself. I've mssed up so bad again. :)

I let my jealousy and my need to compare myself and my writing to others get in the way of my friendship with a group of amazing ladies. I've to admit, I feel a hole and a dull ache in my heart, caused by not chatting with them anymore

Why do I always do this? Why do I always destroy my friendship with the very few friends I have? Why do I always let my low self esteem and insecurities get the better of me and my relationships?

I have so few friends in real life- I depend on my online friends to keep me company and make me feel less lonely. Now, being the stupid and pathetic person I am, I push away my online friends too. Why oh why do I tend to hurt people who mean a lot to me? 

I miss the GC girls, but I cannot go back to them, because if I do, I'll return to the same old cycle of feeling jealous of her fics :/

I want a fresh new start-changing my blog username, creating new blogs, etc.- but this means totally discarding the days I've put in to my writing, drafting and editing and re-editing my fics. All gone.

I'm a mess. My mind is a mess right now. I've to try my best not to let my online life get in the way of real life. Also, in real life I have to learn to control my temper. 

I'm trying, I'm trying really hard. 

God, please help me.