Yet another lonely Christmas spent alone. Sigh...

Terrible

Gosh, I feel terrible right now. This is the worst day ever :( I just want to hide in my room and never come out ever again.

One day the whole truth will come out. Until then, I'll just wait patiently...:)

Still waiting...

I am still waiting for the day someone will tell me 'I miss you'
I am still waiting for the day when someone will tell me ' 'You're an awesome friend, you're amazing, you're beautiful or you did well!'

I know I will never hear these words spoken to me my whole life. and I don't deserve them. But a girl can dream can't she? ;)

Sad :(

Words can't describe how sad, upset and disappointed I am feeling right now. :( Oh well, things happen for a reason...maybe 3rd time is the charm!!

Let It Be

If AAD doesn't allow me to swap groups with him, just because we are of different gender, then so be it.
If it turns out that I have to be in a different group from my housemates, then so be it. It's time for me to train to be more independent..

Whoever's house we decide to take in the end.....so be it...

On my birthday...

On my birthday, I have to remind myself that:
1) I'm fearfully and wonderfully made
2) Although I make many mistakes, He will give me the strength to work on them
3) I cannot let what people say or think about me, or past mistakes always get me down. Instead, I have to keep on working hard to improve myself to be a better person
4) i am my own person, and no one else can define me..
5) There would always be someone who is better than me, comparing myself to others is not going to help.
6) To never ever give up hope on myself .

All these I tend to forget always, so I've to keep on reminding myself..

I know that I'm a person with many many weaknesses....I have to keep on trying to improve myself until one fine day I get it right :)

Insignificant

I have spent my whole life feeling small and insignificant, and I don't think that feeling is going to go away anytime soon....

Weak...

I feel so week this few days, especially today. I feel dizzy and have a headache. I cannot fall sick, there is so much to do!! And it's only Paeds posting, one of the most relaxing postings of semester 9. What would happej when I go into Gynae and Surgery postings? Can I stand?
God please give me the strength I need to go through semester 9 and my final year of medical school..Amen..

I've a feeling it's going to be one long semester and one long year ahead of me....today is just a small glimpse of what is to come...

The pause button...

I want to play the pause button on life now...
I am so not looking forward to semester 9!!! So weary about the final year as a medical student, because I know it's the toughest year ever., and there are so many challenges ahead...
Oh well, I'm tough, I'll get through this, like I've gotten through everything else..

Again and again...

I've managed to flunk my EOP yet again...despite of working so hard for the past few weeks...
I couldn't do the last few questions of the specialized postings OSPE.
All my efforts down the drain again...
All for nothing. Gah!!!

What a lousy way to end sem 8 :(

I forgive

I forgive her for laughing openly at me when I did something embarrasing at the JBLT on Tuesday.
I forgive them for letting me find the case of the unconcscious patient all on my own, take down the notes, write the powerpoint and asking me to present it as well...
I forgive them for always disappearing with their respective boyfriends (during the weekends) and never bothering to ask me whether I've eaten or not

GMH

I never give up no matter what the circumstances.
I never say no no matter how tired and drained I am.
I never quit even when the going gets tough.
When I stumble and fall, I get up again.
I encourage others.

I GMH ( Give Myself Hope).

Careless....

I know that I'm clumsy and careless it's a well established fact. The thing I don't know is....whether it is due to my Turner's Syndrome (who will ever tell me?) or due to my own lack of care for things around me... I tend to misplace things, I always do things in a mess .I know I need to learn to be more careful..to be more efficient, but no matter how hard I try, it's always the same....maybe I should try harder?
I don't want my carelessness to cause a life when I'm working as a doctor in the future... actually, why did I choose this career path in the first place? Well, it's not like I chose it, I have always wanted to become a journalist and eventually a writer....but of course no one will support me in that path. So now I'm stuck with this...wonder how many lives will I cost by my own carelessneess? And please...do not say be more careful....of course I know very well I have to be more careful!!

Terrible

I feel terrible right now...I don't know, I just woke up feeling like this....Lord, I'm sorry for abandoning You again today and not going to church again...I dunno, I just....don't have much faith left in me...I've no motivation now to come close to You...plese draw me closer to You, Lord...

Lonely.....

I'm feeling so lonely right now....both my housemates are spending the weekends with their respective boyfriends again...and here I am, alone again.... :/
Ah well, I'll just concentrate on studying for my exam next week then....

The small blessings that count...

I have been secretly waiting for the day someone will give me flowers.
Little did I know that my wait ended today!
I got a sunflower :D

Although it's not from a guy, and it's just a friendly gesture to cheer my day up, but thank you so much Pam!! :) You rock and made my day.
Sunflowers do indeed brighten one's day...

This is life, isn't it? When you comfort others and encourage them during their times of trial- but when your time of trial comes, nobody is there for you....

One In A Million...

I am one in a million. I'm not talking about the possibility of a particular sperm fertilizing a particular ovum. I am talking about the chances of a child with Turner's Syndrome being born alive and growing up as a relatively normal person and attending university like other normal children do.

Here is something I never tell anyone, a secret only those very close to me know. I have Turner's Syndrome. I was diagnosed at the tender age of 14, after the concern that I wasn't developing normally like other girls my age, after numerous tests and CT scans.
What is it like to live with this condition, you ask me. I live like any other normal person, I do normal stuff, go to school, attend university like the rest of you. On the outside, I may seem normal, just somewhat small-sized. I've even come to terms with my height and physical appearance (although I admit I still feel not attractive at all).
The thing I am still struggling with is my self-esteem. I am constantly frustrated with the fact that I can never be as good as others. My memory isn't good, my hand skills, my coordination and my organization skills are poor. And I act like a child. The worst thing about this is...I don't know whether my many weaknesses are things which I can improve on, or things which are just out of my control and part of my condition. Part of me wishes to blame everything on my condition. But I know it is wrong. And so I try my very best to be as good as others, to improve myself. But sometimes I just fall flat and thus the frustration builds up again. The most frustrating thing is, I have never met anyone else with Turner's Syndrome my whole life. So I am still in the dark about my own condition. When I Google for more info, all I get are physical signs. How about emotional and mental signs and symptoms? Like....do girls with Turner's act 15 years younger than their age even though they don't mean to? Do they learn things and pick up things slower than others? Do they do things slower compared to normal people? Do they have poorer memory and poorer attention span? All these things I want to know....And not to mention the infertility issue...
You may say that all my long list of weaknesses have nothing to do with my condition, and all these are my character flaws. I don't know, I just don't. I have tried so hard to improve myself, to be a better person. I have, trust me.

But I have to consider myself lucky compared to some others. I have just finished my elective attachment at the Kuching Autistic Centre. And taking care of these Autistic children made me realize that I've a lot to be thankful for. They have speech difficulties, they have behavioural problems, some of the more serious cases cannot do things independently. But it was a great joy for me to see them learn new things every day, to teach them how to do normal living activities such as sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, wiping the table, hanging up clothes, washing the toilet, learning how to read and write....
It's my wish for each and every one of them to be able to one day function as capable individuals in the real world in the future. Because I know that deep inside each and every one of them is the potential to be a successful human being.
I learnt to handle these children and their various behaviours. I learn to help them to dress, wear their shoes, etc. I taught them how to read and write. I prompted them when they didn't feel like doing a certain activity any longer. I know each and every one of them by name.
The most rewarding part is when they hold your hands or hug you. It saddens me when I hear stories about those who are not accepted by their parents and are left to be taken care of by their grandparents.
This experience may never compare with helping out with relief work in Haiti or Padang, but I know that I gained a lot from this experience. I learnt to love. I learnt to encourage. To teach. To build up others. And I learnt to accept others and love them as they are. And I learn that each and every human being is special in God's eyes, even if they are far from perfect. Even if they are insignificant and unlikeable in the eyes of others.
God sends people like me and them into this world to teach us unconditional love.

Why is she feeling so down even when she has such good social support? She has a very nice boyfriend to take care of her, and very supportive and understanding cell group members who accept her with open arms. Then why is she still so depressed? (or at least that's what she tells me, even though she 'acts' so happy in front of others.
Compared to me. I don't have a boyfriend to love me. I don't have a proper cellgroup in which I belong to. I'm just tagging along all the time. Should I be even more depressed than her? No, I refuse to. I have to be happy!

Why can't I feel happy for them? Why do I feel jealous instead? Jealousy is sin. Relationship is beautiful. So Lord, please help me remove this jealous feeling in my heart...

Smile when your heart is breaking...

I am fast becoming an expert in this.
Smiling and laughing and looking cheerful even when you're feeling emo and your heart is breaking inside.
Who knew I would become this person? :P

Pause button

I wish there is a pause button and a fast forward button in life. That way, we can pause and cherish wonderful moments in life and fast forward the not so wonderful moments. I want to pause at this ENT posting, and I want to fast forward semester 9 and 10 and housemanship.

Waiting..

God is really trying to test my patience.
All my life I've been waiting.
I've waiting at least 20 years for a father who actually loves and cherishes me.
Waited the same amount of time for sisters who I can go shopping with.
And I'm still waiting....waiting to be a grown up, waiting to graduate.
Waiting to start work and start experiencing the real world, waiting to graduate from medical school and be considered a doctor.
Waiting for McDreamy to come and sweep me off my feet...
Waiting.....

And Waiting....

Results out!

This is the first time I've passed all my theory papers! =) But this is also the first time I've failed a practical paper =( Guess the sentiments cancel out each other? ;)

Anyways.... now it seems like I'm the only one among the 4 of us housemates who is still single... *sigh*

Somewhere out there...

Wherever you are, whoever you are, I know that you're out there waiting for me, as I'm waiting for you. And I know that one fine day, we will meet and our lives will intertwine. Until then, I'll wait patiently =)

Is it so hard to ask to just be appreciated for who I am and what I do? It's not like I treat others bad..

Why am I so short? Why am I so fat? Why am I so ‘lembap? So slow in everything? Why am I not well-liked by others? What can I do to improve myself, to become a better person? When will I ever find my McDreamy? Will I ever find him?
Why can’t I be as pretty as her? As well-liked as her? Have as many friends as her? Be as smart and confident as her? No guy would ever want me, I’m sure of that.

Don't you just love it when you encourage people, but people don't even bother to acknowledge? I mean, I know I'm not supposed to expect much, but just a simple thank you would be nice...

And don't you just love it when you feel so small and insignificant- even on Facebook? Gosh, I just love holding monologues on Facebook :P

Shhh.....bloggie, this is a secret between you and me ok? ;)

Just a secret since my blog is practically dead :p .... sometimes I wish I was like her- prettier, smarter, more well liked...That her I'm referring to could be anyone, from a housemate, to a stepsister, to a batchmate....

Sometimes I wish I was more appreciated. I know, it's silly, but I just can't help feeling that way sometimes. I am always being overshadowed by someone else, someone more pretty, more likeable, more capable....

You know, you got to give words of encouragement and say something positive to someone once in a while- who knows you might actually make that person's day.... Do say it before it's too late, before you suddenly realize you never got a chance to say what you've always wanted to say to that person...

So yet another year has come and gone. How fast time flies! For some of us, it had been a year of great success, many achievements and accomplishments. for others, it has been a year of disappointments. Whichever applies to you, the year has now come to an end, and another year has come, bringing with it a brand new start.
it's time again to reflect on what we've accomplished for the year 2009, and to set our goals for 2010.

For me, the year 2009 was significant, as it was the year I began clinical school in IMU Seremban. I had successfully completed phase 1 of my medical studies, and it was time for me to move on to phase 2. I was petrified to say the least to begin clinical school. All I could think of it was the next 2.5 years (and beyond) of pure torture and no life. Seriously. And now, I've completed almost 1 year of clinical school. Of course, it isn't half as bad as I expected, although they were some very tough and trying times.
I can admit now that the most trying time I had so far in clinical school ( I know there are many more tough times ahead) was the Obstetrics posting. We had to cover ward 1B every night, as we were expected to present the following morning. And no bed should be left uncovered. It was the covering wards that kept us busy for this posting. But in retrospect, it served as a good training ground for us, to prepare us for our jobs when we become housemen. And the Obs lecturers were somewhat more strict (or at least that's what I feel) compared to other posting lecturers. I didn't like Obs posting, still don't miss it, and will never like Obs. But yes, I feel like I learnt the most (about medicine, about life in general) from this posting. One thing I do miss from this posting though are the patients, who were friendly and nice to talk to. Psychiatry posting was a welcome change after the rigid Obs posting. I felt more relaxed and happy. And more happy with my results as well. As for Orthopaedics posting, I don't really like the subject and the amount of stuff that needs to be covered. But what I do miss from this posting is....the lecturers! I never knew that Ortho surgeons could be so nice...hehe...
And right now, I'm in the 2nd week of Paediatrics posting. So far, I love going to Port Dickson and clerking the mothers and playing with the babies there. As there are less people, the mothers and children there are more relaxed compared to those in HTJ Seremban. Seeing those babies (esp. those who have yet to develop stranger anxiety) just smile at you and coo happily just makes your day.

Studies aside, 2009 was also a year of self-discovery for me. I learnt that I still have a lot, and I mean a -lot of things that I need to change and improve about myself. I admit that there are times when I felt rather discouraged about myself and wondered why I always make mistakes and why I behave the way I do. There are times when I am very tempted to dislike myself. I am a slow - learner, but I will try my best to improve myself. It's not that easy, but I'll try :) One thing that I'm really grateful for, is 3 wonderful housemates who always guide me and support me. I love you girls! :) And I thank God for such a wonderful mother, and for such a wonderful family ( although an unconventional one) I thank God for a church and cell group where I can grow spiritually. I thank God for bringing me through this far, and I have to continue believing that He will continue to support me.

Although I know there will be many more challenges and obstacles ahead, I know that God will always see me through. :)

Happy New Year 2010!!