One In A Million...

I am one in a million. I'm not talking about the possibility of a particular sperm fertilizing a particular ovum. I am talking about the chances of a child with Turner's Syndrome being born alive and growing up as a relatively normal person and attending university like other normal children do.

Here is something I never tell anyone, a secret only those very close to me know. I have Turner's Syndrome. I was diagnosed at the tender age of 14, after the concern that I wasn't developing normally like other girls my age, after numerous tests and CT scans.
What is it like to live with this condition, you ask me. I live like any other normal person, I do normal stuff, go to school, attend university like the rest of you. On the outside, I may seem normal, just somewhat small-sized. I've even come to terms with my height and physical appearance (although I admit I still feel not attractive at all).
The thing I am still struggling with is my self-esteem. I am constantly frustrated with the fact that I can never be as good as others. My memory isn't good, my hand skills, my coordination and my organization skills are poor. And I act like a child. The worst thing about this is...I don't know whether my many weaknesses are things which I can improve on, or things which are just out of my control and part of my condition. Part of me wishes to blame everything on my condition. But I know it is wrong. And so I try my very best to be as good as others, to improve myself. But sometimes I just fall flat and thus the frustration builds up again. The most frustrating thing is, I have never met anyone else with Turner's Syndrome my whole life. So I am still in the dark about my own condition. When I Google for more info, all I get are physical signs. How about emotional and mental signs and symptoms? Like....do girls with Turner's act 15 years younger than their age even though they don't mean to? Do they learn things and pick up things slower than others? Do they do things slower compared to normal people? Do they have poorer memory and poorer attention span? All these things I want to know....And not to mention the infertility issue...
You may say that all my long list of weaknesses have nothing to do with my condition, and all these are my character flaws. I don't know, I just don't. I have tried so hard to improve myself, to be a better person. I have, trust me.

But I have to consider myself lucky compared to some others. I have just finished my elective attachment at the Kuching Autistic Centre. And taking care of these Autistic children made me realize that I've a lot to be thankful for. They have speech difficulties, they have behavioural problems, some of the more serious cases cannot do things independently. But it was a great joy for me to see them learn new things every day, to teach them how to do normal living activities such as sweeping, mopping, vacuuming, wiping the table, hanging up clothes, washing the toilet, learning how to read and write....
It's my wish for each and every one of them to be able to one day function as capable individuals in the real world in the future. Because I know that deep inside each and every one of them is the potential to be a successful human being.
I learnt to handle these children and their various behaviours. I learn to help them to dress, wear their shoes, etc. I taught them how to read and write. I prompted them when they didn't feel like doing a certain activity any longer. I know each and every one of them by name.
The most rewarding part is when they hold your hands or hug you. It saddens me when I hear stories about those who are not accepted by their parents and are left to be taken care of by their grandparents.
This experience may never compare with helping out with relief work in Haiti or Padang, but I know that I gained a lot from this experience. I learnt to love. I learnt to encourage. To teach. To build up others. And I learnt to accept others and love them as they are. And I learn that each and every human being is special in God's eyes, even if they are far from perfect. Even if they are insignificant and unlikeable in the eyes of others.
God sends people like me and them into this world to teach us unconditional love.

Why is she feeling so down even when she has such good social support? She has a very nice boyfriend to take care of her, and very supportive and understanding cell group members who accept her with open arms. Then why is she still so depressed? (or at least that's what she tells me, even though she 'acts' so happy in front of others.
Compared to me. I don't have a boyfriend to love me. I don't have a proper cellgroup in which I belong to. I'm just tagging along all the time. Should I be even more depressed than her? No, I refuse to. I have to be happy!

Why can't I feel happy for them? Why do I feel jealous instead? Jealousy is sin. Relationship is beautiful. So Lord, please help me remove this jealous feeling in my heart...

Smile when your heart is breaking...

I am fast becoming an expert in this.
Smiling and laughing and looking cheerful even when you're feeling emo and your heart is breaking inside.
Who knew I would become this person? :P

Pause button

I wish there is a pause button and a fast forward button in life. That way, we can pause and cherish wonderful moments in life and fast forward the not so wonderful moments. I want to pause at this ENT posting, and I want to fast forward semester 9 and 10 and housemanship.

Waiting..

God is really trying to test my patience.
All my life I've been waiting.
I've waiting at least 20 years for a father who actually loves and cherishes me.
Waited the same amount of time for sisters who I can go shopping with.
And I'm still waiting....waiting to be a grown up, waiting to graduate.
Waiting to start work and start experiencing the real world, waiting to graduate from medical school and be considered a doctor.
Waiting for McDreamy to come and sweep me off my feet...
Waiting.....

And Waiting....

Results out!

This is the first time I've passed all my theory papers! =) But this is also the first time I've failed a practical paper =( Guess the sentiments cancel out each other? ;)

Anyways.... now it seems like I'm the only one among the 4 of us housemates who is still single... *sigh*

Somewhere out there...

Wherever you are, whoever you are, I know that you're out there waiting for me, as I'm waiting for you. And I know that one fine day, we will meet and our lives will intertwine. Until then, I'll wait patiently =)