Bad Day

Today is just one of those days when you feel like everything around you is dark and gloomy.
And you feel like just falling down a pithole or something, and that no one would really care if that actually happened. I reached the lowest point this evening....just felt like breaking down into tears....but controlled myself. A phone call to mum made me feel much better.

Everyone is beginning to feel the pressure and stress. It is beginning to show in our actions and our faces. Well, this is semester 5 after all. Everyone is now starting to get too caught up in their own studies to even bother to socialize or interact with ppl outside of their cliques.

And the biggest stimulating factor for the depression today- the official start of CNS lectures.
I am reminded of just how tough and complicated learning about the Nervous System is.
How did I manage to get through 3 whole years of studying that subject?
And now, I am reliving the nightmare that is the nervous system.
Ppl say that it should be easier this time around.....but I beg to differ. I totally forgot everything that I've learnt in my Neuroscience degree!

I'll try my best to help out anyone who needs my help (my 2 housemates are already asking me questions) but no guarantees here. Because I myself don't really know what exactly I've learnt for that 3 years in Cardiff...:p

Why is the human brain such a complex organ?

Hmm.....why am I being so emo lately on my blog ? :p I am feeling fine in real life, I assure you readers. I just thought I wanted to let some stuff out which have been nagging my mind for a really long time. And for me, the best way to express my inner feelings is through writing.
But, I'm fine :)

Other people have so much more bigger problems to worry about than me. Mine are just trivial stuff. Others are caught in between their parents- which I assure you is a much worse problem to have then growing up with just one parent.
Others are being beaten, tortured, and battered daily for the sake of living for Christ in certain countries, while the most I get is just being ignored by the Malays.

I shall not moan.

I want to be able to reach out to others in need, to show my compassion to others. Because I know that having a soft and kind heart is one of the gifts (a subtle one) that God has given me.
I want to be able to use my gifts to do wonders for Him!

Alone....

Sometimes I wonder to myself why I always end up alone. It has been that way my entire life.
Did I do anything wrong?

But lately it hit me, maybe the problem lies in myself. I somehow withdraw myself from others without even realizing it. It's like a subconscious automatic reaction of mine.
I never allow myself to get close to anyone, girl or guy. Because I am subconsciously afraid of the hurt I would feel when I 'lose' the person. Childhood experiences- being abandoned by my father, being left out by my best friends in primary and secondary school.... I think it was then that I made an unspoken vow to never ever let myself be really close to anyone again.

My housemate mentioned recently that I am always 'not around' (esp. lately)that's why she couldn't get closer to me, compared to my other housemate. Yeah, I admit that lately I've always disappeared to somewhere else (usually the library).

I just somehow feel very comfortable doing things alone, without need of company.

I need divine intervention....to help me open up my heart to receive others into my life. But at least I received Jesus into my life, and that's the most important thing :)

Question:

Do we all need a best friend or a boyfriend in our lives? Or both? Or can we do without either?

Because lately I've always been lamenting over the fact that I've neither....and I better stop moaning and start thanking God about all the things in life that I DO have.... (like a mum who listens to my every complaint :p )

Cleansing tears

These couple of days- especially late at night alone in my room......I let the grief and sadness concealed in my heart all these years just flow out in the form of tears. Cleansing tears maybe?

The feeling of abandonment (from father, from best friends ,etc.) the feeling of being always taken for granted, being cast aside all the time, being left out, being misunderstood..... it all just comes and engulfes me.

But God is here. I know he is watching over me, feeling my hurt, and wiping away all my tears. He is the God who feels our sorrows.

I know that one day- everything will change- I'll be this well respected doctor who will save lives both physically and spiritually. But until then, I'll wait on Him :)

p.s. I watched 'Mamma Mia' this evening! Enjoyed it, especially the ABBA songs! Makes me wanna download some ABBA songs now!

I wish....

You know....sometimes I wish that I can be like somebody else.
I wish that I can be as smart as this person.
I wish that I can be as cheerful and carefree as that person.
I wish I can be as charismatic as him.
I wish I can be as likeable as her.
I wish I have a natural sense of humor, and a natural charisma.
I wish I can be as strong-willed and independent as my mum.
I wish I am stronger physically and mentally.

But after today's lecture- I know that I am still more fortunate than others. I have to be like Helen Keller, raising above all the limitations that I have to be a useful and successful person in the future.

I have to daily remind myself (because I always forget) that I am fearfully and wonderfully made in His image, and that I am unique and special.

p.s. improving oneself is a lifelong process, right? Because we always have things to improve about ourselves right?

Sometimes I wonder why I am so sensitive. I worry every single second about how others perceive me. I worry about what others think about me all the time. It's bad, I know, but I simply can't stop it. And it makes me stressed. Every single action I do is based on how I would come across to other people.
But despite that, I know that I still leave a bad impression on some people. And it's very frustrating. I try my very best to be this perfect person in others eyes- but sometimes I am still human and make silly mistakes. And I scold myself and tell myself to learn from them, but I repeat those mistakes again, and I end up being mad at myself again for not learning.

I want to be good in everything I do, but I just can't. I'm frustrated.

And the worst thing about me is that I have trouble accepting the fact of life that you can't please everyone, and that not everyone is going to appreciate or like you.

I also feel like my whole life is a waiting process.
Waiting for the day I graduate from medical school.
Waiting to become a successful doctor in the far future
Waiting patiently for my family to get to know Christ
Waiting to grow up to be a more mature and independent person.
Waiting for my Prince Charming to come.
The list goes on....

Lucky

Recently, my aunt and uncle lost a beloved dog, who got run down by a car :( Needless to say, they were devastated.

So my mum decided to buy a puppy for them.

My cousin, who went with us to select the puppy, decided to name him 'Lucky.' The puppy flew all the way back to Bintulu from Kuching! He is a lucky dog, being welcomed into a loving household.

He stayed overnight in my house, and I suddenly wished that he was my dog :p So cute and adorable!!

I know I already have 2 dogs at home, but Lucky is different...